are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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