upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Randomize
