I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
