we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Text me some of your sweat
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