here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Randomize
