The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
