Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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