nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
