can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Randomize
