How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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