I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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