LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
