I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Randomize
