break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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