Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
my liver is dry heaving
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
