I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
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