ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
