I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Randomize
