ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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