I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
