If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Randomize
