Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize