My friends, they love my intelligence
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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