i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
