I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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