How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
