i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
