I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
