Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
