This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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