youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Im part way to drunk.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Randomize
