Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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