I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
