I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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