Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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