is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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