Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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