If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
