I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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