Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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