I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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