my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
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