I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
