Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
