you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
