Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
