last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
