Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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