Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
