wrigley field is MILF paradise
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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