You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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