I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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