i'm signing you up for texting rehab
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
