hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Walk of Shame today included voting.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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