The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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