I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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