Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
3pm strippers are depressing
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Randomize
