not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
