i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
