i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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