I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
