This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
